The weekend in Toronto was good. We went to see Brad's stepdaughter in her apartment, which is a nice little place. We decided to get a late afternoon ticket to The Ex, cos it was cheaper. So we went to a Chinese restaurant and I ate with chop sticks for the first time, I did not have to give up and use a fork! So then we tried to check into our hotel and got stuck in rush hour traffic, so by the time we got to The Ex is was late and we missed the free concert, which was Lights. So we did a bit of shopping (English treats) and had a look round. We stayed in The Hilton, is was posh :) Next morning Rachael and I went to Fan Expo. After queuing for three hours, we found out that Michael Shanks was not coming, they said something wrong with his flight, but I found out later, from someone who met him on the Sunday, that he was working Friday and would never have been there that day. Rachael met Tom Felton, got his autograph and had a picture taken with him. I did go over to the Space Channel stand and met Ajay Fry, we had a nice chat and got a picture with him. Now we are planning to go to the Official Stargate Convention. in Chicago next August. I have bought the tickets. Rachael has a couple of friends coming over, one will be with us all weekend, the other will come to the convention one day and sight see the other days. We have Gold passes for the weekend, it is going to be cool, we have 4th row for the talky bits, and our tickets include pics and autographs with the stars :)

I am going to my first Convention, it covers several genres but I am interested in the Sci Fi section. I am hoping to meet Michael Shanks and Rachael wants to meet Tom Felton. We will also go to the Space channel booth and meet the presenters of Inner Space. Michael Shanks is doing a Q & A so I hope to get into that too. It should be fun :) The day before we are going to the Canadian National Exhibition, I have been a couple of times before, but this will be a first for Rachael. I like the shops from around the world, it's good to go to the British one and get some sweeties and other goodies from the homeland :)

As I suspected it did feel very strange being back here in my old home.  The day I arrived I came into the house alone, so had a chance to walk round and see how it had changed.  My first impression was how dirty everything is, and cluttered.  Knowing the house will be on the market soon, made me concerned that we won't be able to sell it.

When Peter came home it seemed strange to see him again and I'm sure he felt the same.

I am sleeping on a bed settee in the conservatory (which is nice cos it's my favourite room). Peter is out a lot with work and his social life.  Rachael and I have enjoyed making and eating some fave meals.  I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen.  Rachael and I have been sorting through things and either throwing them away, donating to charity shops or packing them.

I have visited my old school friend Sharon, my Auntie and Uncle in Clacton, I went to see Nan (my Ex's grandma, but the only Grandma I have ever known) and met up with my old hairdresser and friend for coffee (I will be seeing her again today). 

I did wonder what the reactions of the neighbours would be, and on the whole I haven't seen anyone to talk to.  Or maybe they are avoiding me?

When I visited Nan I got the distinct impression she was just being polite to me, and it turns out I was right... Peter said she can never forgive me for leaving. When talking about the neighbours, he said that I never said goodbye to anyone and all they saw was me leaving the house crying, with suitcases, and my sister picking me up.  So it seems people have made up their minds about me without hearing my side, and I cannot  go explaining myself now, so I have to accept it.  I am most sad about Nan, as I love her.

I saw my sister's new house extension, it still has work to do but it is going to be lovely.  I found that visit a bit odd and wondered why... then my sister and her son came to Rachael's leaving party and got to chat with my sister again and she felt that Rachael had talked about her new life in Canada and I hadn't got to really visit with my sister, so we arranged to go to lunch yesterday, just the two of us, and it was lovely.  We went to see the tree we planted in memory of Dad and where his ashes are, and some of mums ashes... The tree was gone!  We knew it had been vandalised a while ago, but thought it was recovering, but apparently it has died.  We spoke to the gardener and he is going to plant a Rhododendron (SP?) in it's place next autumn or spring.

Last night Peter and I went to dinner, we discussed what is happening with the house as it has to be sold soon.  He is planning to decorate and his cousins and girlfriend are going to help him, He is also going to replace the carpet in one room as it has suffered one too many pet accidents.  I am glad that he is prepared to smarten up the place a bit, as the housing market is bad enough already.  He says he needs to move on.

Today I am feeling very down. Peter and I talked last night about the breakup, he feels that our grounds for divorce were a bit silly compared to some and he said he would have taken me back and tried again, but I told him that years of neglect had killed my feelings for him even before I found out he had been unfaithful, so I could not have gone back to him..  I am sad because of the waste... why did we stop communicating?  Seeing my old home has brought back memories of my children growing up here.  This is the last time I will stay in this house. I wonder if I should talk to a couple of the neighbours just to clear the air and apologise for not saying goodbye when I left?

I am a bit annoyed with Peter that he pretty much leaves the kids to fend for themselves.  He just buys (junk) food and does a bit of laundry.  He complains if Rachael asked for a lift anywhere in the car., and yet he feels he has done a lot for them...I told him that is what parents are supposed to do. 

 

Richard had an interview at McDonalds last week but he didn't get the job.  He is supposed to come visit with me for six months, but he feels that is a long time when he will be unable to study or work or anything, and I agree that if would be better if he got a job here as soon as he can.  He is 18 at the end of the month and I bought him a watch.  To be honest I haven't seen too much of him while I have been here, his friend comes round a lot and he has just met a new girlfriend.  He definitely plans to come over for Christmas and new year. :)

I have had lovely weather since I have been here, and the countryside looks beautiful!  I have taken lots of pictures which I will put on facebook.later.

Although i will be sad to leave beautiful, historic England, I look forward to going home to people who love me.

In less than two weeks I am going back to England... for a visit.

My daughter is coming to live with me, so I am going over to help her pack, she is having a party for all her friends, and she has plans for us to do a few things before we fly back together,  Also we have upgraded our plane ticket as a treat, but it will also allow us an extra 10kg of luggage, each.

I have mixed feelings about the visit.  I am excited and looking forward to seeing friends and family, but I will be staying in my old home and I do wonder what the reactions of my old neighbours are going to be.  I know my Ex plays the martyr a lot and as people will only have his side of the story I am sure many have judged me as though I just walked out on the family.  I am not prepared to keep defending myself, as people will believe what they want to believe, I just don't want anything to spoil my visit.  It is also going to be strange as my old town has changed a bit since I left.  There has been building work around Spring Lodge, and Woolworth's is now gone from the town.  I think I will spend one day just walking round the town looking at the changes :)

I will hire a car for about a week, so I can go and visit my Auntie and Uncle in Clacton, go over and see my sister's house extension, and old school friend, and if my old dancing school is still going, I wouldn't mind going over to see Ruth. I will also go and see Nan, which I think is going to be a bit emotional.

My dreams have been wacky lately, no doubt because of my mixed feelings about the trip.  But primarily, I am really looking forward to it :)

Meanwhile... work has been busy, but we have now chosen a new team leader so things will get easier being fully staffed.  I have been working 5 days a week, and the extra money has been great for my trip.  My hours will probably go down a bit now, but shouldn't be too low, as the 2 other sales associates are limited on their availability, but I am more flexible, 

Financially we are much more organised and comfortable now.  We have a budget in place, and the new mortgage is much more manageable.  We can now think about things we want to do to the house and garden.

Life is good :)

I just read my last entry and I see I need to update.

I am now officially a permanent resident of Canada, I can do everything any other Canadian can do... except vote.

I am loving my job, the people I work with are nice, and I enjoy helping people shop for their clothes.

My daughter came over for three weeks in October, so she is also now a resident and she will be moving to live here in the new year... March/April.  I can't wait.

 

Yes, I am now working.  I am a sales associate in one of my favourite shops and I am enjoying it very much.  The women I work with are nice, and it is fun helping the customers shop.

My residency is almost complete, I have been invited for my interview, where I will pay the fee and sign the papers.  I just hope my daughters residency can be completed asap so that she can come over in August and come to the Backstreet Boys concert wth me in Toronto :)

It feels like everything is coming together now 

To think I used to blog every day, with a thought for the day (taken from my calendar), and now I hardly ever blog. 

So I thought I should do an update...

My work permit came through a few months ago and I actually have had two jobs, the first didn't work out.  It was a mutual decision... I was finding it very stressful and they didn't think I "fit" the job.  I did feel a bit of a failure though.  Then I got hired by the local supermarket (grocery store), I told them when they offered me the job that I was having a day surgery and they said it wasn't a problem.  I did the orientation, then a week later they rang with some hours for training and starting work and I told them I wasn't allowed to do any lifting for a few weeks and they decided they couldn't hire me after all.

I am now at the end of my recovery from the surgery, I see the doctor on Friday and I hope to get the all clear.  Cos I had an interview last week and I am very excited about it a new job opportunity.  They said they would let me know by the end of this week.  I really feel I could fit in well at this place, so fingers crossed and positive thoughts please :)

My boyfriends step-daughter has moved out.  I have to admit I am not unhappy.  It has always annoyed me that she did not contribute towards the bills.  I now feel more at home in my own house.  Internet usage has gone way down.  Spring has been quite cool so far so with the air con not being needed it is the time of year when the power bills are much lower.  Things, financially, are starting to improve.

One thing I want to try to do is lose some weight and get fitter.  Before my surgery they weighed me, and although I knew what my weight was, I have been deluding myself that it was not that bad because my scales are in lbs, at the hospital the nurse showed me my weight in stones (cos she knew I was English) she also showed me my BMI, I remarked "that is not good is it" and she said no it should be around 25.  It was a bit of a shock.

I don't really eat vast quantities of food, but I do not do much exercise, so I think I need to incorporate some exercise into my daily routine, and just watch what types of food I eat.  I have cut down on coke.  I have cut out diet coke, cos I found out it was one of the worst things for sensitive teeth and I have already noticed a difference in my teeth.

I am sure if I can just improve my fitness I will feel much better inside and out :)

 

As you know I was very worried about my son and his education.  He went to the school and explained how he felt.  He thought he was going to be able to still resit his Maths and English exams, but he was told he could not.  So he was going in to sign all the papers and as it was a Friday, he saw his counselor.  (I had contacted the school and had been told they would not drop the counseling as it was not a good idea to just stop).  So when I rang my son to see how he got on, he tells me that he has changed his mind and he is going back to sixth form.  I asked what made him change his mind... and he said his counsellor told him how she had dropped out of school and later had to spend thousands of pounds to get her training.  I asked how he was going to cope with the placement, and he said he is just going to have to bite the bullet!

I am very surprised at the sudden turnaround, but also pleased of course.  I think there is more to it than what he is saying.. maybe the realisation that he had to get a job if he wasn't at college, and there are no jobs in his town.  But whatever it was that made him change his mind, I am thankful.  His father is now happy, cos he can still get child benefit and child tax credit, and our son can reapply for Education Maintenance Allowance.  It does seem his father was more concerned with the money than the education, but never mind.  My son is back on track. :)

*Edited to add*

I forgot to mention, he also went to his doctor and explained how he feels in certain situations.  He did not ask for cognitive therapy, because he thought it was not right to tell the doctor what to do, so he explained how he felt and the doctor said he has social anxiety, and there were others who were a lot worse than he is.  He gave him a list of websites to choose a counsellor and he has another appointment and then the doctor will try to arrange a referral for him.

I don't know what to do with my son.  He has always hated school, he tried to avoid most of Junior school, I had to drag him to In school most days, he tried every excuse not to go even as far as running away one morning,  Then at secondary school, I was lucky that he did actually go there of his own free will, but he was bullied, got into trouble for retaliating,  Briefly joined in with the bullies out of self preservation, but luckily he realised that was not a good idea. 

He only did as much work as he could get away with in most subjects, and in others he wouldn't do anything.  Which is a terrible shame, cos he is reasonably inteligent.

I have sometimes wondered if he is borderline autistic. 

I eventually persuaded the school that he needed a counsellor, and there has been some improvement since then.  In fact he has decided he wants to be a counsellor, himself.

So he went to sixth form and has been doing a course which is a step towards getting the qualifications he needs to be a counsellor.  Part of the course is to do a placement, and his is at a nursery school.  He has been once only and he felt very uncomfortable.  He has to do 60 hours of placement or he will fail the course, and he has just told me that he is going to fail cos he is not going to go to the placement, he hates it and he feels it is irrelevant to what he wants to do. 

I have explained that we all have to do things we don't like, sometimes, but he is adamant. 

My boyfriend works with behavioural kids, he is a trained counsellor.  I asked what I can do, and he said there is nothing I can do. If my son continues the way he is, he will sooner or later realise that he has to stop messing around and do what is necessary to get a qualification and a job. 

I have told my son to talk to the person who is in charge of hs course, and see if there is some way to salvage some of this year, and to see his doctor to be referred to another counselor, so he can get some cognitive therapy to help him deal with situations he finds difficult.

He did also start a course to learn counselling, but he could not cope with the journey or the claustraphobic classroom with people he doesn't know.  I think he really needs help.

I am just so scared that he is going to mess up his whole life and end up flipping burgers for a living.....  :(

I saw Mrs Diamond had blogged and realised it is ages since I blogged properly.  Partly why I don't blog as much is that I don't think many people actually read this anymore and it seems a bit pointless talking to myself.  But in case anyone passes by, I will update what has been happening in my life.

This year my residency application has been progressing.  I got my medical done, and a couple of months ago I was told that my application was Approved in Principal, which allows me to apply for an Open Work Permit, which I have now done.  I am hoping it comes through soon so I can then look for a job.

My daughter arrived at the beginning of August on an extended visit.  She has been doing some voluntary work at a school and has been enjoying it very much.  She also came with me when I did a bit of babysitting for a couple who are both at the University. 

My daughter had her medical for her residency application done here, because it is a lot cheaper than England, and then we decided to to the same with my son, so he had his done soon after he arrived on 13th December.  He is not planning to move here, but needs to have the medical in case he wants to move here later.  He says he is keeping his options open.

Neither children like their father's girlfriend.  In fact none of his family like his girlfriend.  He got engaged to her on Boxing day 2008, but he tells me is was the biggest mistake of his life.  He has split with her a few times since then, but he ends up drifting back to her.  I think it is easier for him to stay with her, then try to find someone new.  He is also thinking with his dick rather than his brain. 

The strangest thing is how well we get on now.  When he calls to speak to the children, he has a chat with me too.  He has repeatedly told me that he realises he made a big mistake not trying to save our marriage.  It has given me a lot of closure, cos I have been able to tell him how unhappy I was for the last two or three years of our marriage, and how I kept trying to get him to do things with me and the kids and he wouldn't make any effort.  By the time he asked for a divorce, my feelings for him were dead, so at least I didn't have that heartbreak, but I was in a very dark and unhappy place and I now realise that is why I ran away as I did.

Money is tight at the moment.  Finally my boyfriend's stepdaughter has contributed financially to the home, but I wish it was in the form of a monthly payment towards the bills rather than spontaneous money or groceries when we are struggling.  She has been living here rent free for all this time, and I find that difficult.  I was brought up differently.  I was expected to contribute to my parents as soon as I had some money.  Mum even took money out of my first job seekers allowance.  My daughter also contributes to her keep (back in England) out of her part time earnings.

Next year, my boyfriend's stepdaughter is going to travel the world.  So, she can afford to do that while we struggle to pay the bills... she is the first one to want the heating or air conditioning on... is always leaving her light and other things switched on, and doesn't do much around the house either.  Is it any wonder I feel bitter?

I am hoping to make a trip to England in the summer.  The flight will be paid for out of my boyfriend Tax rebate, then I need to save up some money as soon as I am working.  My ex is letting me stay at my old home, I will sleep in the conservatory, it was always my favourite room     It is easier for me to stay there, so I can see the kids as much as possible.  I wonder how the dog will react to me going back?

Hopefully I will be able to hire a car for a few days to visit some relatives.  I also hope to make it to the Tripods meeting that will be taking place in Early September, at the location of the first episode of the series.

My sister has had a big extension built on her house, so it will be nice to see that.  My nephew is now 18 and is going in the RAF this year.

A couple of months ago I got a beautiful grey kitten.  She is a joy to me, very affectionate, and so soft and beautiful.  She has settled in ok with the other cats.  They hiss at her a little bit, generally get on well.

So looking forward, this years plans are... 

1. Work Permit
2. Get a job
3. Get my Permanent Residence card
4. Register with a doctor etc
5. Visit England

It looks like 2010 will be busy